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My Struggles with self-doubt and how I ended it

Do you feel like there is so much in store for you, but you are just not able to do anything about it? You want to try a lot of things, but never have the courage to do so. Sounds familiar?

I've always felt lost and full of self-doubt when surrounded by people who actually know what they are doing. I have friends pursuing their dream careers. When it comes to me, I always find myself talking vaguely about it, having no idea what I actually want to do. If I'm following a blogger these days, I want to be a blogger. If I'm following a YouTuber these days, I want to be one of them. If I'm stalking a businesswoman these days, I want to be that. This is my story.

And the pattern of blaming everyone but myself never disappoints.

So, frustrated with my life, I sat down one day to figure out the solution. And what came out of 2 hours of talking to myself, making some lists, scratching half of the things off, talking to some friends, was that I was too afraid to invest in myself. Why? Because I thought it'll not be worth it.

The background I come from, I've never seen my mother (or any woman in my family, for that matter) doing anything just for their own self. All they care about is their family's happiness and their needs. But, I took the step.

I expanded my horizon, met some wonderful people, listened to their stories, had some conversations that I still cherish.

I invested in courses that aligned with my interests, bought Kindle to pursue my love for reading, got that gym membership which I wanted for a long time. Basically, did everything that was stopped by my own guilt factor.

Here is one incident that hit me hard. I wanted to study finance and economics and thought of preparing for CFA (Chartered Finance Analyst). I was super excited even by the thought of it and ordered the study material and was all set for the preparation. Then came the time to register for the exam. And the fee was Rs. 96,000. And I was just not able to click on that 'Register here' link. I was not able to approve myself for the idea that I'm going to spend close to a lac on myself. It didn't feel worth it. I called my friend and explained her the situation and how I was feeling about it. She said one line that changed my entire perspective about that situation. She said "Will you be not able to earn that amount ever in your life again? Unless there is an emergency situation, stop overthinking and start investing in yourself."

This blog is one more example. I never wrote keeping SEO (Search Engine Optimisation) in mind, or how am I going to promote this blog. I write to fulfil my soul, to document my thoughts which hopefully I'm going to have a great time reading, maybe five years later. I write to spend some time with my thoughts and with myself.

So why am I telling you all this? Have I figured out what I want from this life by doing all this? No. But isn't this life is all about? Exploring new interests, following them for a few weeks or may be for a lifetime, having stories to tell, and eventually cherishing those memories is what life is, right?

My life is too short. I've accepted that. And I don't want to blame anyone else for my happiness. Because I, and only I am responsible for it. Haven't internalised this affirmation completely, but I'm already on that path. So, half the battle is over.

I haven't got that satisfaction yet for the work I do. And my journey of figuring myself out still continues...

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